By Patrick Hood and Caitlyn Letterii

Join Caitlyn Letterii, not a puppet, and Patrick Hood, a puppet hoping to become a real boy, as they explore and critique the cheap eats available around the Bronx and Rose Hill campus.

It’s Saturday night and you’re looking for a hot spot to hit up with the gals. Where do you go? Mugz’s? Blue Goose? Or perhaps that 5-star bar Howl at the Moon. Us here at Sweet ‘n’ Sour go to none of these places, but this week we decided to get a taste of Fordham nightlife. Literally! So many people know Howl for its raucous bar after hours, but we were curious about its alter ego as a legitimate restaurant by day. So we strapped on our bootstraps, grabbed our investigative journalist trenchcoats and hit the pavement to give YOU the news you need to know.

CL: I’ve never been to Howl and was immediately struck by the eclectic decor and vibe. It left me slightly unsettled to be honest.
PH: Hot damn, what exactly is Howl’s ambience supposed to be? I really cannot tell what the owners were going for with their atmosphere, since the place is equal parts dive bar, surf shack and monument to Fordham sports (including a fascinating mural where a football player’s foot appears to be melded to the chest of a basketballer).
CL: Yeah, it was weird. The menu, however, was pretty expansive for such a little spot and we got there just in time for happy hour (Every weekday starting at 4 p.m.)! I just ordered a water, but it was nice to know that there was a deal in the air. Money-saving opportunities bring me great joy.
PH: I, meanwhile, decided to try my very first Howl at the Moon beer and got a Guinness. While it was happy hour, the Guinness didn’t seem too happy, probably due to the trials and tribulations of the Irish people.
CL: We get it Pat, you saw Brooklyn!
PH: My sources told me that Howl was known for their wings, so I decided to put them to the test and try out their signature medium sauce hot wings. I get my wings bone-in because I like to have a carcass once I’m done eating something. It reminds me of humanity’s baser instincts, our true bestial nature that lurks right below the surface. We are all just animals wearing clothes.
CL: What a strange thing to say. I apologize deeply to our readers. Please keep reading. Please? As a vegetarian and apparently the only half of Sweet ‘n’ Sour with empathy, I ordered a veggie burger. We also split some onion rings, but I only had one so it wasn’t actually a split, so I made Pat pay for them.
PH: The bourgeoisie exploiting the working class as per usual.
CL: We get it Pat, the history of the human race is the history of class struggle!
PH: After waiting a long time (which became the service at Howl’s signature), our food finally came. The onion rings were delicious, so delicious in fact that I didn’t mind that I had to eat them all by myself.
CL: Just so our readers are aware, I’m rolling my eyes.
PH: The wings, on the other hand, were nothing special. They had the spice, which was nice, but their flavor was just mediocre. I feel like I should say more about them to reach our 800 word quota, but they were so unextraordinary that my mind is drawing more of a blank than Jeff Sessions when asked about his ties to Russia.
CL: That was some scathing political humor there, Pat. How topical that would have been two weeks ago!
PH: It’s been a while since we’ve written a column and this is my only outlet, so sue me.
CL: My veggie burger, on the other hand was pretty good! It came topped with cooked onions and had tomatoes, lettuce and two tiny pickles on the side. It was truly luxurious. I’m no expert, but I think the sign of a great veggie burger is that it is difficult to eat because it falls apart so easily. While the Howl burger easily checked this box, it didn’t come with utensils, and our waitress was really busy so I couldn’t flag her down, so much of the burger was left on the plate. It was a total tragedy.
PH: Well we’ve wasted enough time, so that means we’ve gotta give those patented and lusted after Sweet ‘n’ Sour Ratings! Since the service was so poor, the wings so lame, and the onion rings so only-paid-for-by-me, I’m going to give Howl at the Moon a Sour Rating of 2 out of 5 stars. Just stick to ordering food at places that don’t double as underage watering holes.
CL: While I definitely enjoyed my Howl meal more than Pat, I agree that the service really slowed things down. In our waitress’ defense, the place really was quite crowded. All in all, the place was just fine so I’ll give it a sweet-ish rating of 2.9 out of 5 stars. Side note: I really love wolves and this rating in no way reflects my feelings towards real wolves. However, I do hate the moon. It’s an overrated hunk of rock that is riding Earth’s coattails.

Overall Recommendations:
You should try the veggie burgers but remember to BYOU (utensils).
Stay away from the hot wings if you’re not a spice champion or if you like good wings.
General Info:
Address: 585 E 189th St, Bronx, NY 10458
Phone number: (718) 561-7694
Hours: Mon-Fri 11 a.m.- 11 p.m., Sunday and Saturday 11 a.m.-12 p.m.
Price: Moderate