The Ramantic’s Romances

When I started writing this column around eight months ago, I was a perpetuator of hook-up culture. I would work through my problems (which usually involved my self-esteem) with my friends and come to a conclusion only to have a wrench thrown by another guy or to realize a couple of days later I changed my mind.

I found by the end of the semester that the guys I enjoyed being around the most were the ones I connected to in the least romantic way. They were the ones that let me count on myself to not get hurt. What I had yet to realize was that I wasn’t in the place in my life that I wanted to be. Sure, I was choosing to be emotionally unattached and I knew there was nothing wrong with that. The problem was the reason I was doing it: I couldn’t handle emotional letdown.

This was partially because a lot of things in my life were not quite right. But, in light of this, should I have been involved with guys at all? Most likely not. I know I wasn’t at rock bottom because one day, while I was binge-watching “Grey’s Anatomy,” it hit me. I had to change my ways or I was never going to be happy. It was fine for me to be with guys I was unable to get emotionally attached to, but it could not be because I was afraid to get hurt.

So what next? I had to clear my slate. I cut myself off from all guys with whom I wasn’t friends. No more sitting on the couch, watching TV and texting boys. No more maintaining callous relationships with guys. I had to figure out what I was looking for in life, and then what I was looking for romantically. I had never wanted to be every-girl-ever and try to date a guy. I always wanted the guy to find me and I certainly have never wanted to date a guy who didn’t want to date me.

Spoiler alert: I still haven’t. But why was I so afraid of the stigma of being a girl with emotions? I am a girl and I do have emotions. Furthermore, it is okay to get hurt. A truly strong person is not a person who avoids pain, but one who remains strong through pain. However, my friends have told me so many times that it wasn’t me, it was the guys I pursued, which makes sense because I was looking for guys I was not emotionally attachable to.

Fast forward four testosterone-free months and I am still single. Am I now looking for a guy to date? Nope. I am still hoping that guy finds me. Am I as scared as I used to be of emotional attachment? Certainly not. I have become incomprehensibly more confident in my desirability. I have learned about myself: the way I feel compassion, they way I begin to trust others, the way I judge others, and most importantly, the way I love myself and others. Although I have come to terms with the fact that I may never find the perfect love, which may not have been the result I was looking for, I strongly suggest doing some soul-searching yourself. Because I am not just ready to get hurt, but also ready to allow myself to care for others. I know I’ll be more than “just fine” in the end.